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Make Every Miles Davis Count

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Ohh! I get jokes... [Feb. 11th, 2006|05:52 pm]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
[Current Music |Old Crow Medicine Show - Goodbye Booze]

-What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

-What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

-What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

-Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

-What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

-Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

-What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

-What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

-What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

-What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

-What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

-Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

-Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

-What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

-What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

-Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

-What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

-What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

-Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

-Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

-Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

-Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

-Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

-Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

-What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

-What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

-What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "serving suggestion".

-How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

-What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time.." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

-Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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News Brief [Jan. 24th, 2006|07:27 pm]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
[Current Music |Dane Cook - Retaliation]

Broncos jersey causes furor in Beaver Falls class
Student says teacher harassed and punished him for wearing orange

Synopsis by Ryan Wilson:
"Western Pennsylvania high school student and Denver Broncos fan, Joshua Vannoy, claims that his teacher and Pittsburgh Steelers fan, John Kelly, forced him to take a test on the floor, and instructed other classmates to pelt him with balled up pieces of paper because he wouldn’t remove his John Elway jersey during last Friday’s class. Some of you might remember Kelly from his role as Buddy Revell in “Three O’Clock High.”"

Read more...Collapse )

Humorous responses from footballoutsiders.com:

Well, it was an “ethnic relations” teacher. Maybe he was just demonstrating the proper way to deal with different cultures.
:: B

Hazing kids is why most of went into teaching. If you take that away from us, why would we stay? The money? :)
:: Nuk

I would like to believe that the teacher was using this as a case study in ethnic relations. Exhibiting what happens when one faction has absolute control and can subject another faction to humiliating and degrading treatment. It’s equally likely that the teacher is just a prick. In any event the kid should be able to retake his test and the teacher owes him an apology. Of course the kid is going out of his way to look mopey in that picture…
:: RowdyRoddyPiper

Ben Roethlisberger is an Elway fan, and even chose his number in honor of Elway. Thus I find it mildly amusing that this kid was abused by a Steelers fan for being an Elway fan.
:: Drew

The teachers’ union in Pennsylvania being what it is, I expect nothing more than a stern talking-to for the teech. And this bit from the horse’s [mouth]:

“We won the game [Sunday] night, didn’t we?” he said. “That’s all I was worried about.”

…sure makes it seem that he wasn’t thinking of this as an object lesson in ethnic relations. It also makes it seem that he feels no need for spin or cover. He’s fine with his actions.
:: Starshatterer

I don’t buy the idea of it being a class lesson–any responsible teacher would take the kid aside beforehand and ask “Would you like to participate in a little joke? It’ll be a quick lesson about oppressing minorities.” Some students wouldn’t feel comfortable being in that situation, even if it wasn’t for real. And the teacher certainly wouldn’t make the kid sit on the floor for during a test as part of a joke. There are other ways of teaching a class than physically humiliating a child. Fire that idiot now.
:: Shelley

If the teacher was using this as a study in ethnic relations, the school should use this as a study in firing teachers.
:: Tim

I had the same response you did - what an idiot. Did he think his humilation of the student somehow contributed to the Steeler victory? This guy seems too stupid to be teaching anyone anything.
:: mawbrew

30: That’s why I suspect this “teacher” is in actuality a football coach furfilling some teaching requirement so he can continue to be the coach.
:: B

oh big deal, the kid is 17, he isn’t a baby. And he’s a Broncos fan, how humiliating could that have been?

You want to be humiliated? Grow up a Jets fan.
:: Jets fan
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The Wisdom of Plumbers [Jan. 23rd, 2006|03:02 am]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
Life sometimes imitates movies. Whenever you see a Keanu Reeves plotline unfolding, you gotta follow it.

Life is like Super Mario Brothers. You have all of your two-dimensional necessities, room to jump and shit to jump onto. Some of the elevators can take you beyond the top of the screen. Once in awhile you'll hit a block and find a vine growing out of it. I'd suggest you climb it. It teaches things. Collect money when you can, never waste time going back for it. Eating mushrooms makes you bigger; green ones give you an extra life. A raccoon tail lets you fly.

My road trip to Boston and Maine two years ago was like the first water level. Brand new controls, different but not too challenging, and all underwater. The normal rules of breathing did not apply, I knew I would not drown and the music picked up when the 300 second timer was running down. My road trip to Death Valley last year was like the gigantic level in Mario 3; lush, green, and beautiful, but it could get tricky if you didn't keep on top of things.

The funniest "glitch" in any video game is in Mario as well. There is a trick you can do where you get a koopa shell stuck in a corner and you can keep jumping on it over and over getting 1ups. But you gotta get off at 99, if you try for 100 it's Game Over, as if to say you got too greedy. "Bwahahaha, you should have been happy with 99 lives! You're at level 7, you don't need 100 lives anyways!"

Note: now that I know how to use an LJ cut, I'm going to write more about the road trips later. I'm tired now and I need video games.
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God Loves Tacos [Jan. 20th, 2006|02:18 am]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
God talked to me in the snow tonight. He/she gave me a little understanding, a little pain and confusion, and a little love. God said that I have the power to do anything.

So I asked him/her, "then why can't I do anything?"

He/she answered me, "thou art God. Creation wasn't, but creating is." But that was a stupid answer, so he/she added, "LOL."

So God and I kicked it, doing online surveys and stuff. If God were a character in Star Wars, he/she'd be Chewbacca. If God were a vegatable, a psycilicybin mushroom. A flower, cannibis sativa. Then God showed me some of the hate mail fundamentalists send to him/her. "Dear God: I hate things. I hate this and that. I hate people who refuse to hate things with me." God just shook his/her head. "They all think they're victims of circumstance, that the deck of life is really stacked againt them. But it's a tarot deck, fate doesn't ascribe, it describes what they have chosen to be."

I looked at God, who looked dissapointed, and I wondered how to react. So God confided in me, "wanta hear the punchline? The lady who wrote that is obese, and her body is going to kill itself with cancer." We looked at each other for a split second, then busted out laughing. "AH-AHAHAHAHAHAA!!!! Cancer!" And with a teary-eyed wink he/she told me that all that lady had to do was believe in life, believe in herself, and she would have been happy and strong. But instead she believed in God, so she grew weak and got cancer. It was a pretty good punchline.

Then we went to get tacos. God couldn't stop giggling because he/she kept thinking of "pink tacos." I mentioned sticking a hot dog in the taco shell and we were rolling on the floor. The Dairy Queen staff almost kicked us out, but God is a really good tipper. Then we went bowling, and bitched about how the only beer on tap was Coors. God hates Coors. But we drank it. God won the game 255 to 190. Unfortunately, he/she left before I got to ask any real serious questions.
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It is SNOWWWWWING [Jan. 20th, 2006|01:00 am]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
[Current Music |KRCC Late Night Freeform]

It is SNOWWWWWING in Colorado Springs! Hooray!

Earlier tonight at work, a girl walked in with two guys. She was 21 but her friends weren't, and her friends helped her carry the three cases of beer from the cooler to the counter. So according to Colorado law, that's somewhat of a faux pas, and it would be considered unlawful for me to sell to them. I have kicked many a person out of the store for this reason before. I usually give people a friendly reminder that there is another liquor store just down the street they could go try. But for some reason, maybe because she was cute, this time I said "you know what? I don't think I saw anything. I wasn't even watching when you carried this up." I could not in good conscience send these people out driving to any other liquor store on the snow. Not because being on the road is dangerous, but because I sensed that these were good people for whom I could safely bend the rules. I sold her the beer. The poor girl was still in "irate customer"/"making excuses" mode and didn't immediately realize I was doing her a favor, but her friends definitely figured it out and expressed coolness since I was being cool. I'm sure they discussed the interaction during their drive home.

It's snowing outside. People build cities and towns in order to barricade themselves from the natural world. Snow is a natural event that nobody can hide from or deny the existence of, and I think people become more honest with themselves and with everybody on snow days. They can't rely on their illusions of safety. It's intrusion of the element. So naturally, I had to go driving in it with Ryan. At the bottom of my hill there are about a dozen parked cars, abandoned for the night because the drivers were too intimidated to try driving up the hill. They didn't even try!!!! I drive a rear wheel drive sedan without snow tires. In fact, I have some of the slickest tires on the road, which is great for dry-road performance, but horrible for snow. But I made it up without any problem. Then I drank a beer, drove back down, meandered over to Garden of the Gods, smoked a bowl, then easily drove back up the hill again. Hmmmmmmm.
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Staying the course [Jan. 19th, 2006|10:21 am]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
Hm. Perhaps Nickelodean is junk food for the mind. But that shouldn't come as a surprise. I wouldn't let my kids watch the crap shown on tv like this. A lawsuit is also a profoundly stupid way to go about fixing this problem. The problem: kids are lazy. The cause: parents are dumb and lazy. The solution: education. Not only education for kids, but for adults too. We have some serious catching up to do, and it's not going to happen with most of the population obstinately plodding along. Or, in the words of GW Bush, "staying the course." What a fucking stupid idea. Problem? What problem? I'm too busy to worry about non-financial problems, but I'm sure someone will do something about it. In college textbooks, I have read about a theory that predicts "whenever problems become large enough, scientists will figure out a way to solve them." Hooray for scientists! Maybe they'll build robots this time.

Nickelodeon, Kellogg Targets of LawsuitCollapse )
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(no subject) [Jan. 18th, 2006|05:10 am]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
I think everybody needs to have their own revolution, in their own personal ways. I think we should all take part in each other's revolutions, so when yours comes, it might be a revolution for someone else as well.
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Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck . [Jan. 14th, 2006|10:34 pm]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
Today the Washington Redskins lost, and I had to go to work immedately afterwards, during the Broncos game. I didn't have time to properly mourn the Redskins, so I decided to do it by watching the late game on tape later. All through work I was looking forward to drinking my bottle of whisky watching the Broncos on tape. I even put up a BIG sign, clearly stating "I have not seen the game and am taping it; do not mention the Broncos game!" Most people read the sign and laughed knowingly. I made it to 9:55 P.M. without hearing a word. But the LAST customer, a 55 year old rich white bum, stumbles in and starts blabbing about the Broncos win to my co-worker, trying to impress her with his knowledge of football. My heart sank to the tile. I was ready to smash the nearest glass bottle and slit his throat. Quit hitting on girls 1/2 your age you greyhaired lush, and get your head out of your ass! I did my best to place a curse or a jinx on him, but I have no way of knowing how effective it was.
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Fun with google part 2 [Jan. 11th, 2006|05:56 pm]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
[Current Music |Modest Mouse - Everywhere And His Nasty Parlour Tricks]

Search for [your name] was killed byCollapse )
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Expressing Myself Through Other People's Art [Jan. 11th, 2006|04:24 am]
Make Every Miles Davis Count
Flaming Lips song titlesCollapse )
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